From the time I was little, I always oscillated between the extremes of grandiosity and low -- often very low -- self-esteem. It was hard for me to find a middle ground. What I was missing was some sort of center inside myself upon which I could rely.
OM wasn’t my first attempt to generate a spiritual awakening to deal with these extremes. I read a particular book while I was living in Philadelphia, and one afternoon I felt a sudden metamorphosis in my core. I walked out of my apartment, and spent the next three hours strolling around downtown, sharing loving smiles with everyone. I felt so connected to God that I was utterly fearless. All that vigilance and trepidation, especially about men and their intentions, vanished. I was completely sober, but high nonetheless. Men started coming up to me to chat; a policeman asked me if I was okay and ended up giving me his phone number. A few women wanted to talk too, and an elderly man told me his life story. It’s amazing how rare this kind of openness is, and how we’re all immediately drawn to it when we see it. I was a magnet.
And yet as good as this was, I knew it was temporary. This was a window into something I needed to work towards, as I couldn’t sustain that kind of openness day after day. So, I started looking for a modality that could help me get towards greater balance and calm. A friend told me about OM, and I was instantly intrigued, especially when I read about the way that the practice honored women’s power and pleasure.
I started OMing with my partner. It took us a while to figure out what we were doing, but as we progressed, the process started to work for us. I had always thought of myself as a confident person, and I was comfortable with my own body. I certainly had loved my own clitoris before, and I knew its power. What was different was finding that my pleasure had a voice. For me, the most exciting part of the OM was the adjustments. All of these words that had lived only in my head could now be spoken aloud. In those early OMs, every time I gave an adjustment, I got this image of a wall crumbling, or a door opening. I’d say these words, and I’d hear them resonate in the air -- and then feel the stroker’s finger adjust. Suddenly, there was just this unspeakably pure congruence between my brain and my mouth and my body and his touch.
I got a great deal from OM, and I have this great big reservoir inside me now that OM built up, and I can still draw from it. That’s just my process; everyone is different, and I know some people benefit from sticking with the practice indefinitely. Everyone’s path is unique to them. I just know that OM helped me find, and stay, on mine.