I'm a hunter, and I have a high prey drive. It's satisfying to hunt and catch the prey, build the business, raise the children, rescue the animals, but despite my success, my multiple lives left me unfulfilled. I wore too many masks and worked so hard at what I loved that I worked myself into sickness.
My husband couldn't handle how driven I was, after I worked myself into such a serious illness that I had a near-death experience. I took off a year to recover, and then he left me. I kept going, running my nonprofit and my two companies, while taking care of elder family members in another state. My blood pressure was extremely high. I felt angry and vengeful when anyone crossed me, leading to a series of lawsuits that were draining out money. Finally, I decided I was tired of paying so much money for being angry. I had to make a major shift in how I was living my life.
Years before, I had read a magazine article by someone who tried OMing. I have a really comfortable relationship with risk, but I thought, "Damn, that's above my pay grade right there, outside of my comfort zone." I respected the writer for discussing their process so honestly.
When I realized I needed to change, I remembered that article and the radical ideas it presented. I had a phone conversation with an OM facilitator who surprised me by calling me out on an aspect of my behavior. Most people are too intimidated by me to say anything even faintly critical, but he observed how masculine I am in my work and how at five o'clock, I take off my mask and become a female again. The way he framed it enabled me to hear what he was saying without getting defensive, and I loved it. I decided to try OMing.
I had met someone who wanted to OM with me, and I finally said yes. I was antsy during my first OM, which was such a high-energy experience, I couldn't sleep for two nights. I know that we OMed every couple of days for a while because I kept a log of my OMs. In the early days, I wasn't so much excited to OM, but I committed to it, believing it would help me get to a point where I felt connected to myself.
I often push through pain and don't notice what I'm feeling. I was raised in a family of hyper-successful people, all of us driven entrepreneurs. Pain is not something I care about. As a result, I will push myself physically until I harm myself. OM helps me get connected and dropped into my body, so I can observe what I'm feeling, whether it's a tingling in my back, a headache, hunger. I cannot meditate normally. The only time I'm completely quiet in myself is when I OM.
At some point, I started OMing with other people besides my regular OM partner, and the experience was quite different, with new discoveries to be made. Now I OM with my sexual partner, and again it's a different thing. With him, I am deepening our relationship by OMing. With other people, I am deepening my relationship with myself.
Twice, I tried OMing three times in a row, and it was like a hallucinogen. OM is so powerful. I would not drive after doing repeated sessions like that. OM is badass. It's sugar-free, salt-free, drug-free, and a clean form of energy; extra batteries without the environmental impact.
By getting connected to the myriad sensations I used to ignore, I've learned about range. There are so many experiences to have, and there are so many people of different kinds to have experiences with. I met someone who I was curious about, but I quickly discovered we have different lifestyles. In the past, I would have cast that friendship aside as soon as I realized how little we had in common. Instead, I took the opportunity to expand myself and have someone in my life who I appreciate and respect, despite our differences. I've been able to find ways to expand that allow us to stay connected in our friendship. I have also become friends with my ex-husband again, so I have my family unit back.
I am not dragging myself into sickness like I was before. I seriously didn't think I'd live this long. It feels good to be centered and to have energy and deep relationships with people. I've learned the art of saying, “No, thank you.” Just like when someone asks me to OM, and I can say simply, “No, thank you,” without explanation, I can do the same in daily life. Recently someone asked me to step into a leadership role, and I refused without excuses or justification. It makes me feel powerful in a whole new way.
I have been powerful my entire life, but since OM, it's a different kind of power. It's like the difference between Godzilla, destroying cities and people, versus Mother Nature, causing a volcano to erupt, and now I've populated an entire island with flora and fauna that's rich with growth, and there's plenty of sustenance and water. That's the kind of power I have now.