I came to OM at the tail end of a difficult marriage. I’d been married to my husband for more than 10 years, and he had changed me – not for the better. My ex was controlling, and I had become controlling as well. I didn’t recognize who I had become, and I didn’t like it. I knew it wasn’t just his fault; I had something I needed to shift in me. Leaving him wouldn’t be enough to get me to be the person I needed to be, but it was a start.
I spent a lot of time on practices that would uplift my consciousness and help me to help others. I went through a program called the sage method and ran my business according to those principles. After the divorce, I needed to find somewhere new for my son and I to live and thrive, and we chose Austin Texas, as I figured I’d meet a lot of like-minded people there. It was a bit of a tough adjustment, and I was still struggling emotionally. The aftereffects of all that anger and criticism in my marriage had left me repressed, tense, defensive and critical.
I’d heard of OM back in New York, and even gone to an introductory seminar, but then hadn’t followed up. Some of my new friends were practicing, and they urged me to try it again. I went to a women's group -- and I was blown away by the leadership. I'd been leading workshops with other female leaders for years, but the competence and power I was seeing here was at a whole other level. There are a lot of seminar systems out there that promise to tap you into your potential, but there aren’t many where this kind of transmission is really conducted. You could feel the current flowing in a way through the room.
There wasn’t a lot of nuance in my first few OMs. I had a lot of repressed sexual energy, and I was so eager to be touched. I more focused on getting that orgasm than the meditation. I let myself be in that place, and the people stroking me met me where I was. I wanted to be stroked and not interfered with, and the strokers gave me that. Now, there’s so much more sensation, and so much more subtlety. I know my stroker and I are going into this experience together, and we each want the other to enjoy it as much as possible. I own my orgasm rather than waiting for someone else to make it happen for me, and as a result, I can have so much more of a human connection with other people.
As I opened up to the full set of possibilities that OM offers, I started to have some extraordinary experiences while practicing. I remember one time hearing hoof beats, and then a vision of men on horseback burning my village. It was so vivid, and came from so deep inside of me, that I screamed aloud – and my stroker kept right on stroking, carrying me through this vision. What I realized later was that I was having a flashback to something my ancestors had experienced. It sounds crazy, but I experienced it – and on behalf of my ancestors, released some of that pain.
On other occasions, I’ve had OMs where my pelvis and my back felt like they melted into the ground. I remember times where my clitoris has gotten really soft and full, almost like a sponge that’s soaked up liquid. Maybe most importantly, I have these OMs where the channel up to my throat has opened wide. My voice is connected to my genitals and the deepest part of my body. The capacity to speak my truth rests on that conduit being wide open. At other times, my clitoris has grown red, hot, and angry – and I can feel the rage swelling between my legs. That rage is metabolized in orgasm rather than being reabsorbed back into the body. Each OM gets me the clearing and growth I need.
The benefits of all this work doesn’t just manifest in the nest. That opening in my throat has manifested in my being able to ask for help without being paralyzed with the fear of imposing on others. A few months ago, I had to move suddenly. It was awkward timing, as I was doing some trainings on the weekend I needed to leave my apartment. I could never have done this before, but I reached out to people I knew through OM, asking for assistance. People came. People showed up, and they made it fun, and I didn’t feel embarrassed that I’d needed help. That feeling of constantly stifling myself, or playing small to avoid conflict, is gone. To the extent that it’s still there in my life, OM works to keep me from closing up that channel between my core truth and communicating it.
It really showed me how much it's possible to shift consciousness. And it also has made me way more tolerant of things. OM is a practice that really makes a difference for people.
I’ve become so much more understanding and patient. You can ask my son about that; he knew me at my most critical and controlling. He’s an adult now, and our relationship is much better than I could have hoped. I accept him where he is. The old me would have worried about him or judged him. Now, I know his process is his, and it’s not my place to judge. OM takes away that anxious need to control, and that allows for infinitely better connections with other people – even if they have no idea why.
In the last year, I’ve had a lot fewer opportunities to OM. That’s been challenging, but less than I feared. It turns out that the work endures – I still can tap back into all the energy I created and released in past OMs. It’s still there for me, and I’m sustained by it. That’s very reassuring.