Before I discovered Orgasmic Meditation, I didn’t get the distinction between who I am and what I do. It took me a long time to realize that the answer to the question “Who are you?” is not “I am a software engineer.”
Yes, I was a software engineer—a software engineer in the midst of sabotaging his career to get out of a super competitive job that he hated. I also called myself a dad and a loving husband. At least I thought I was a loving husband up until my marriage ended.
At the time, I was incredibly inward. I often didn't feel like I could share who I was or what I felt because I believed, “Guys don't do that.” I couldn't read people, and I had difficulty connecting. I never really paid attention to interior feelings and I did my best to ignore my emotional state, pretending it wasn't really there.
I started looking for something that would require more digging into myself and more connection. I’ve heard about Orgasmic Meditation a year prior when I was doing some online research into ways that would help me. I didn't understand things like expanding your consciousness and being present in your body—these were foreign concepts to me. But I wanted to learn, and I wanted connection. So, I decided I would learn how to OM.
Turns out I had a lot of rules around connection. I learned that support and love and having people’s attention on me was uncomfortable even though it was something that I really wanted more than anything. OM was a very safe way for me to learn to interact at a deep level with people that I didn't really know and who didn't fit my preferences for “girlfriend.” At the beginning, I had to deliberately encourage myself to ask for an OM, and that was very challenging. My heart would beat and my palms would be sweaty every time, and then I had to show up when she said yes.
When I first started OMing I had to learn to pay attention. My mind would wander into thoughts and I would have to bring it back to the point of connection between me and my partner. It took about while before I finally quit being super conscious about what I was doing. I became more comfortable to share after the OM ended. Gradually, I found I could have an OM and feel what I was feeling in my body. As I relaxed and the practice became more natural, I started noticing that my partners quit asking me for a lot of adjustments. Instead of them asking me to move here, move there, change the stroke, I started sensing what was needed and just did it. That was a big shift! At first, I would ask, “Would you like me to go left?” And she would say, “Yes.” After a while, it was always “Yes.” Eventually, I was able to tune into the energy of the OM and be able to follow what I was feeling.
I remember one OM that blew my mind. I was feeling I should move left, so I went left, and she asked me to move to the right. After we finished the OM and put the nest away, I asked her why she asked me to move to the right when it felt like there was a lot of sensation on the left side of her clitoris. She told me that the left side felt really good, but the right side felt almost painful and that she wanted to explore that sensation.
My head just exploded when she said that and had me realize that OM is not just about seeking pleasure. Certainly, there's that component. But it's really about seeking sensation, and whether it’s good or bad isn’t the point. It's more about personal discovery and trying to find out what's going on with your body and your whole being.
One of the big things I've learned over time from Orgasmic Meditation is to be open and curious—like my OM partner was that day. Now, when somebody seems in conflict or I’m getting bad feedback about something, instead of getting defensive I can listen with curiosity and openness to what they want and have empathy. I no longer fear contact and connection with people I don’t know.
I was out of work for a year and a half after I quit my job that I hated. And then I started OM, and in one of the first interviews I had when I started looking for work again, instead of just focusing on the technical issues and job parameters like I would have in the past, I asked “What can I do for you? What do you need from me to make this company work better?” And the guy interviewing me lit up and actually became very honest and very vulnerable telling me stuff about the company. I got the job, and the work was so much fun.
Work is really a joy now, because I’ve gotten in touch with my feelings and intuition. I really understand what I want around work and other aspects of my life. Which means instead of focusing on all the things that weren’t working and that I didn’t like and living in a fearful state, now I’m in a state of knowing and putting my attention on what I do want, looking forward and moving forward.
I'm still OMing three or four times a week, which has this amazing quality of keeping me feeling filled. I feel like I'm more in tune with what's going on in me and what my body needs. And even though it's not really easy right now, I feel like I have these deep connections that make living in the time of a pandemic easier.