Before I learned about Orgasmic Meditation, I had a challenging relationship with my body. I had this picture of how I should look as a woman in order to be truly feminine, and I didn’t fit the picture. I felt ashamed of my body—especially from the waist down. This was all really painful for me.
I felt my emotions really intensely, which sometimes felt scary. I wanted to be able to stay present with myself in high-intensity moments, but I didn’t know how. That’s when a friend of mine told me about OM.
The first time I OMed, I struggled to stay present. I checked out a lot. Fear came up, and I couldn’t describe what I was feeling. When I shared my frame afterwards, I said I felt numb.
Just taking my pants off and letting people see my genitals was really challenging at first. I loved my body from the waist up, but I really didn’t like my body from the waist down. I was afraid what men would think if they saw me.
Through the noticing step, I became aware of what other people saw when they saw my genitals. The more I got used to this step, the more I started turning away from societal concepts of beauty and turning towards how I actually felt in my body. My appreciation for my body grew. Now I care more about how my body feels than how it looks.
I used to push people away when my emotions would get too high, and I noticed I was doing the same thing in the nest. When the stroker would get totally on my spot, and the sensation would feel intense, I would ask for some grounding downstrokes or would ask them to stroke somewhere less sensational. Over time, however, I became more open to experiencing that much sensation. I let myself feel more. I saw that I don’t have to run away from feelings. I could relax my hips. I could breathe.
I’ve begun to apply this whenever there is high intensity, both in OM and in my life. I just take a moment, breathe, and let my feelings be there. This has helped a lot in my work. There was a moment at work recently where a woman cried while sharing a story. Before, I would have tried to save her from her feelings or move onto someone else. But, this time, I was able to stay present. I suggested that we all take a breath and ground before moving on. And the whole room settled.
Of course, it’s all still a work in progress. I still have this pattern where I push people away when they give me the attention I crave. Getting a lot of attention is really intense for me, even when it’s what I really want. But I’m learning to let people in more. To let them feel me.
I now know that there are so many ways to be a woman–grounded, earthy, excited–and I see different shades of myself in all of them. I’ve realized that I am totally feminine just the way I am, regardless of the picture I had in mind before.
And I feel so free.