When I discovered Orgasmic Meditation in my late 30s, I was reassessing different areas of my life. I was doing well in my career and making good money, but everything revolved around my work. I was a psychiatrist living in Philadelphia, and most of my friends had started moving out and moving on to other things. I didn’t have a partner at the time. I started to wonder, is there something else out there for me?
I had immigrated to the U.S. from Germany when I was 27, with the intention of furthering my medical education. My father was a psychiatrist, so the field was familiar to me. I also enjoyed being a psychological detective, figuring out what was going on with people and helping them change their lives. I was also drawn to working with patients who had severe mental illness, or psychosis. I had an admiration, and still do, for people who are extremely out of touch with reality. I adore them because to me, they are free.
The drive toward freedom has always been a theme in my life. As a child, it was hard for me to find true freedom—because freedom was very much connected with having support or money from a parental figure, Mom or Dad, or some other authority figure. Sometimes it's the government that can support you. Even though I'm a freedom fighter, I haven't always had the freedom that I craved.
As I was reevaluating my life, I found that I was not necessarily happy in many areas, including my relationships. I had dated when I was younger, and I had even been married before I moved to the U.S. But I had not done any serious dating lately. I loved my friends, but that was not enough to keep me in Philadelphia, and to keep me going on that same path. I felt that I needed to take a risk to create change in my life. And I was not sure what kind of risk that would be.
I heard about OM at a talk in Philadelphia. I thought it sounded interesting, so I decided to try it. My first OM was not particularly interesting or sensational. However, after the OM, I noticed that something changed. A couple of days later, I felt that I had somehow broken through a boundary. I noticed it in simple things, like the colors feeling brighter and more intense. This was interesting but also a little bit scary for me. It wasn’t until a month later that I decided to try it again.
I went back to OM because—even though I wasn’t looking to necessarily go on a date, impress someone, or have sex—I did feel ready to be touched and felt and seen. I also wanted to feel better. I had noticed that something changed in my brain and body after that one 15-minute OM. I had more energy and stimulation in my body, and it had lasted a surprisingly long time after the OM.
As I continued to OM, I started opening up and I noticed a magnetic type of energy in my body. I loved that feeling, which was something that other stimulants, like coffee or food or even sex, cannot provide. I didn't feel dragged down by stress, so I was able to feel more of myself and be more myself. I didn’t have to be that person who is stressed out or tired or confused, or who allows these types of feelings to turn into fear. I felt more authentic.
I think my favorite step in OM is grounding. When you first connect with somebody, you might feel a little bit on edge, especially if you’ve rushed there from another activity. Grounding before an OM helps me develop the trust for that moment and for that partner. It helps me free ready to receive.
The freedom of OMing comes from not feeling like I have to please a guy or keep up a good relationship to avoid losing him. I don’t have to feel insecure that a man will get bored of me. I just allow myself to be in that connection. Sometimes I ask for adjustments, and sometimes I just enjoy what I am feeling. I don’t need to change anything. It makes me feel more free and more independent, without the strings of a relationship.
When I started OMing, I wasn’t thinking that was the risk I needed to take in my life. But OM did help me break through certain patterns and gave me insight to see things differently. I’ve made a lot of other changes in my life and taken risks in other ways, too. I moved to San Francisco and then to Florida, where I am now. I bought a house, which was really important to me. Now, I'm making steps to become more creative in my business and in my life.
Prior to OM, I wasn't as creative as I wanted to be. I’m still working on being more vulnerable—and I’m trying to practice these things through acting classes. This is difficult for me, because when you act you have to work with emotions that you’d rather not express, like desperation, sadness, or grief. I understand that I'm playing a character, so it’s not necessarily my emotion, but it's still my own persona that's playing this character. And you have to trust that other people will not judge or make fun of you.
I'm more comfortable with pretending that I'm bored or that I don't care, or that it doesn't matter to me—when it actually does matter to me and I do care very much. So, I don't want to force myself, but I am working on becoming a little bit more vulnerable.
If I hadn’t practiced OM, I don't think I would have been brave enough to sign up for an acting class. I might have signed up for a language class so I could hide in a roomful of people. I wouldn't step out and try to be somebody who can be seen.
OM gives you more courage than you can imagine you ever had. You feel more trust in yourself to succeed, and you also realize it’s okay if things don’t work out right away. It gives you the trust, and the freedom, to just keep trying.