Love Myself No Matter What
by Sylvie

Throughout the course of my life I have experienced a variety of sexual traumas—boundary violations with my brother, sexual shaming from my mom, a couple of different stalkers. The trauma didn’t come to my awareness until all these things started affecting my sexual relationships in college. Every single time I had sex, it was excruciatingly painful.

All the doctors I saw said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, that it was all emotional and psychological—which made a lot of sense. But knowing it was emotional didn’t help. It was traumatic for me because I wanted to connect to my lovers through sex, and I couldn’t. I really wanted to resolve that. so, I kept seeing different doctors and read a bunch of different books, trying to figure out how to resolve my issues.

I discovered Orgasmic Meditation online and I thought maybe this would be a way for me to further understand my traumas, learn to be able to connect to people in healthy ways, and heal. I went to a training and remember feeling sensitive and activated the whole time. Because of all the chronic violations that I've had throughout my life, my nervous system was always highly vigilant. But the OM container described was so structured, so clinical in a way, that it made me feel safe. I was really in a phase of going by the books and by the rules, and it worked for me. 

When I first started OMing I felt incredibly vulnerable and, at first, I never said anything when I wanted an adjustment. I’d just speak the words in my head instead of saying anything out loud—which made me feel even more vulnerable. For a long time, I didn't try to communicate anything to my OM partner. I would just trust that they were trying to listen to what was happening inside of me too. One partner I had who was older was really, really sweet, and he did seem to notice what was happening inside me.

I did the OM practice for a year, and I'm still integrating it. It’s like the lessons and boundaries and learnings of empowerment of choice are still being composted. Before OM I was pretty much disassociated all the time. Now I have more awareness and acceptance of my body. Following threads of attention, following the threads of turn-on, is something I still use as a practice communicating with people. I’ve learned to follow people's shining eyes—when I see their eyes light up in conversation, I just follow whatever that thread is. As a result, I really feel that I'm in connection with people. 

On a daily basis, I'm operating so much more in integrity. Even though it’s been over four years since I practiced, I’m still learning to follow the body sensations that are telling me when there's an adjustment I want to make or there's something I want to say. I’m developing a clarity of agency and enough self-love so that I can love myself no matter what choices I make.