Most of my life, I had been trained to service men: by my father, and by society at large. I believed that my value was based on how I could serve a man. I was very shy and introverted, and endured years of my body being violated by men. I had no voice—I didn’t know I could say no to a man. I had no idea that was a choice, that it was my choice. In relationships, all my attention was on the other person.
I needed role models. I needed to be around other women who were claiming their power and desire and had found their voices.
I went to an event about Orgasmic Meditation in 2013, and immediately knew I belonged there, that these were my people. Although I had been working as a healer, I had no community in my life; and I often felt alone. I knew these people spoke the same language. I had my first OM that weekend.
I’m very willful, and, having experienced a lot of violation from men, I refused to have just any man touch me. I asked a woman stroker for my first OM. I surrendered to the process, and to this woman stroker. I opened up to feeling without any resistance.
OM opened me up to a brand-new world where I, as a woman, had power. The spotlight was on the woman’s desire. This was totally different from what I learned growing up. I came into OM with trauma from men, and I really appreciated and needed the masculine structure of the container. I needed it to be able to feel safe so I could relax into the feminine, the unknown.
Making adjustments helped me start to find my voice. I realized the stroker is there to give me what I want, and he or she will not say no. They receive the adjustments. This moved out of the nest and into my life on many levels. When I go to Starbucks, if they don’t give me what I want, I can ask them to make my drink again. When I’m with friends or my boyfriend, I can make a request and allow them to say yes or no. I am learning this new dynamic where both the other person and I have a choice. It’s a dynamic I have power within.
I have had many lifetimes where my voice and throat chakra have been cut off and, in this lifetime, it’s been shut down completely. In one particular OM, I felt a strong knowing that my sexual chakra is directly tied to my voice (as it is, I believe, for all women). This knowing felt strong, and I decided to experiment with vocalizing in the OM.
I’m a very quiet and shy woman, and this was way out of my comfort zone. Throughout the OM, I felt self-conscious. My body began expressing repressed sounds. I was not saying specific words, just making sounds during the OM. I noticed my body had the desire to go louder and to bring the sound out from my belly. Then I noticed the desire to full-on scream, so I went there. I let myself have it and I screamed as loud as my body wanted to.
As I screamed, something in my body shattered and opened. It felt as though there was an energy pattern in my body that was destroyed as I was simultaneously being stroked and expressing my voice so loudly. Something came out. It obliterated an older version of me inside that clearly needed to go. I woke up another level to myself.
I am someone who has felt imprisoned in my life by my shyness, which is fear-based, and I couldn’t get out of my shell. This direct line between my voice and my genitals helped cut through one more layer of being constrained by myself. I know without a doubt that my voice is connected to the power in my body. When my voice is shut down, my genitals are shut down, and vice-versa. My power exists when I open both. I did that in OM.