Knowledge That I Have Something to Offer
by Kenan Wang
Growing up, I was a sensitive kid, but not much knowledge of what to do with that sensitivity.  I'm a first generation Chinese American and my parent's first concern was always security.  They had lived with the very real risk of starvation in China, and even though we lived comfortably in America, I internalized that same baseline insecurity.  It played out in my relationships where I played safe and refused to take the risks necessary to truly access intimacy. I had many friends, but little closeness. I was still a virgin at 23. 

When I found out about Orgasmic Meditation, it made sense to me. If I wanted to learn to be intimate, what better way than to actually be intimate? By regularly practicing OM, touch became a regular part of my life, and so the excitement and comfort of physical connection became less confusing for me. 

Years later, I had an active sex life and a girlfriend. What OM had taught me in the meantime was how to not run away from intimacy. OM also taught me that feelings can arise—from fear to hunger to sadness to pride, even feelings I couldn't name—and I can still stick around. In my relationship, too, we went through every emotion, and I stayed. 

OM gave me a kind of courage, a knowledge that if I have something to offer, I will always be welcome. Over time, my fear of rejection was tempered by the experience of asking someone, with humility, to practice OM. Whatever their response, I found I could stay with those feelings too.

Today, I am discovering a new fortitude through OMing. I’m realizing that I am enough, and that realization is showing me the present moment is enough. In an OM, I practice resting my attention. For example, if she flinches, my initial habit would be to defend myself by mentally blaming her for the flinch. I can instead acknowledge my fear, then return to a state of mental openness. I don't yet know what her flinch means.

I met my now-wife through OM.  So much of what I had learned in my practice came out in our relationship. I've learned to stay with my feelings and in that, I've learned how to be in the expansiveness of our relationship.  I let go of the fear of losing connection and in that, we've become even closer. 

As I take this refined sensory skill and a new attitude of enoughness into my life, I notice a deeper honesty with life. I more readily contribute that depth to my relationships, from my marriage to my friendships to my mentor relationships. They all feel more alive, with mutuality and respect. Life unfolds as an adventure and a gift and I find myself constantly remarking, "Wow, life is an amazing opportunity!"