Before I found OM, I always felt a hunger. I grew up in China, in a culture where children were supposed to follow instructions—but not express their emotions or desires. Stay in school, be a good girl, study at an academy, and then go to university if your family can afford it. That was my life—to follow a schedule and be a responsible person. I didn’t feel that I could express anger or depression. Exploring sexuality was even more taboo.
I was one of four children, and all six of us lived in a place with one and a half rooms. We had a big bed where the four of us kids slept together. It was fun, actually, and I didn't feel like I was missing anything, because everyone around us was in the same situation. We ate meat once a month and otherwise, just had foods like cabbage and potatoes. We had no toilet. In the morning, we had to pee in a bucket and then carry that bucket to the public toilet, which was really just a big hole in the ground.
We were trained very well in the art of survival. But I was lucky that my parents worked very hard so that my siblings and I could go to the university. I studied international trade, which was also lucky—because after I graduated, China opened up to the markets of the world. First, I worked for government-owned businesses. When China began allowing private companies, I started my own trade business.
Through my work, I met the man who became my husband, an American. I immigrated to America at age 35 when we married, but after five years, our relationship wasn’t going well. After we divorced, I started looking for a partner on dating apps. I tried hard to meet people, but the relationships never went anywhere—because I had trouble being who I was. I couldn’t express myself without feeling shame.
I discovered Orgasmic Meditation at a Tony Robbins event, where they had an OM demonstration. The event made a big impression on me, because I realized that I had many layers of protection around myself that were keeping me stuck. This was due to a feeling of scarcity that was deep in my roots. Because of the way I had grown up, I felt like I had to fight to get what I wanted, even in my relationships. It was time to peel off the layers of protection around me.
When I OMed for the first time, I was frightened. But what made me feel safe enough to pull my pants down was the container of OM. It was just 15 minutes, with clear boundaries. It was also a practice—and I could relate to that because of my culture. We were trained to be soldiers, and to be successful, we had to practice.
If you had told me it was all about pleasure, I might not have done it. I would have felt guilty. But there was an element of discipline and also a devotional aspect to OM that felt safe to me. It’s a meditation. It might bring up very high levels of sensation, but you are still in the meditation, and you are in it with others.
Early on in my journey with OM, I had to grasp the concept of having no attachment. I would think, Do I need to connect with this person, the stroker, after we OM? I’d even have crazy thoughts like, Should I marry him? But with more practice, that kind of thinking went away. Now, non-attachment is one of the most enjoyable parts of the practice for me. When negative emotions come up in daily life, I can stay with them and feel them and say where they come from.
Through the practice of giving adjustments to my partner who is stroking me, OM teaches me to be in the moment, and also to be discerning. Most of all, it teaches me to express what I want, and this has created a huge shift in me.
Now, I have a much better relationship with my parents because I can express my emotions. Before, I couldn’t express my anger, frustration, or resentment. I am more open to showing them my true, authentic myself—and they have accepted that. I feel more connected as well with my siblings and friends.
I feel at peace with my body, my hungers and desires, and I am much more confident because of OM. Back when I lived in China, I didn’t know how to approach men that I liked. Instead of approaching someone, I would make a circle around them and torture myself about it. Now, I can approach people and just enjoy the connection. My body is alive again.