I’ve always been very practical and mechanical and I used to value logic over emotion. What society thought was the right thing to do was the right thing to do. If I felt something was off or if I didn't like something, I would still follow through and do it because that always seemed the most logical, reasonable thing to do. I was very masculine in the structured way that I was living. No surprise, I’m an engineer by trade.
I didn't know how to relate to women very well. I’d get into a relationship but would get bored rather quickly. I had my own kind of structure and my own way of being and seeing things and that was the way it was. There was the brief excitement of connecting with someone new but then the mystery was quickly gone and so was the excitement. I wasn’t capable of going into any depth in a relationship. I wasn't vulnerable and I wasn’t open to sharing.
I realized something was wrong when I met this really beautiful woman and just couldn’t get turned on physically. I was turned on mentally, but there was something missing. Being logical, I assumed I just needed to learn some new skills or techniques or something like that. I was also going through a lot of depression about that time as well.
Exploring OM, I realized pretty quickly that my mind was always getting in the way. My first OM was actually pretty awkward. It was exciting, but I was in my head a lot, constantly thinking, “Did I do that right? Is that the right spot?” It was more a session of technical confusion. I felt some sensation in my body, but it wasn't much. But what did happen was, a few days after the introductory course, I went in a restaurant and noticed that everybody was looking at me—particularly women. Young ones and older ones, attractive and unattractive ones. And I thought, “Wow! They see me.” I didn't realize until that moment, that I believed I really wasn’t being seen by women. That was a really deep moment for me.
At the beginning of the practice, I was really defensive. I didn’t take feedback or instruction from women very well. I would grudgingly follow the procedure and follow their lead. But internally I was thinking “Hey! I know what I’m doing!” Now that I OM, I have learned that it's always good to go wherever a woman asks me to go! It ends in more connection for the both of us.
Because of OM today I’m a lot less rigid and more open to possibilities and change. When I’m out with a woman and we have set plans and she says, “Oh, no, let's do this instead,” it’s okay. I can just go with the change. I used to avoid women who were more successful than me. But now it’s okay. Now I don't feel threatened if she takes the lead.
Surrender is something I’ve learned to put into practice in making decisions in my life. Planning and structure is still important for my engineering work, but I can accept new goals and new objectives in relationship and in group dynamics.
Overall, I can feel more now. I can feel sensations through my whole body. I’ve learned to factor in feeling and intuition, and doing so has given me a more balanced way of looking at things and going through life. I’ve realized that there are barriers to pleasure that have to be worked through. I’ve learned being turned on can have as much to do with emotion as it does with physiological response. I’ve seen that intimate relationships are often blocked through the whole dating process with so much expectation.
The way that men and women are taught to connect leads to so much anger and frustration. There's so much suppression and so much control and it’s unnecessary. Certainly, I’m happier learning to let these things go. My life is very different now than it used to be. I have a very diverse group of friends—very technical people, people in physical therapy, artists … people I never would have known before.