Sex used to be not only not pleasurable for me—it was painful. I’d lie there and push through the discomfort to make sure the guy was pleased. I kept enduring sex like this because I thought I needed to find the right person or the right technique and then it would start to feel good. What I actually needed was to advocate for my needs.
Orgasmic Meditation taught me a very different way of being with my own body. It was not about working up to intercourse with a man’s pleasure as the goal. It was about my own enjoyment, safety, and well-being as a woman.
Through OM, I learned to speak up for the way I wanted to be touched. During an OM, you tell your partner if you want them to stroke your clitoris differently. For instance, you could ask them to move more left, to slow down, to move higher on your clitoris. They listen and adjust how they’re stroking accordingly. For the first time in my life, I put my own comfort above my partner’s enjoyment, or ego. I realized it was okay for me to take up space and make requests—and that there were guys who were willing to hear them. I used to be so afraid of offending my partner, I’d rather suffer physically than say anything.
The first few times I OMed, I cried and cried, sometimes for hours, sometimes shaking. It was like my body was purging all those memories of painful sex, not to mention 12 years of depression and anxiety. Getting so in touch with how my body was feeling taught me how to treat it. Rather than force myself to suffer through experiences that made me feel awful, I learned to give my body what made it happy. I’d been feeding it the equivalent of emotional junk food. Once I began providing myself with nourishment, I felt so much healthier—physically and mentally. Whenever I felt depleted, I’d OM. It was like a renewable energy source.
OM showed me what more was available from relationships. Once I saw how great being touched in a way I enjoyed could be, I went after that. I gave myself permission to think about myself and not just my partner. I began speaking up when I needed my partner to be gentler. Suffering went from being inevitable in relationships to a sign something was wrong, and I needed to say so.
Sex is no longer something I tolerate. I enjoy it. I actually climax during sex, which I’d thought was impossible. My partner and I communicate better than I’ve ever communicated with anyone, and I’m no longer afraid my feedback will offend him.
Treating my body better had ripple effects on the rest of my life. I used to be super shy and feel intimidated in social situations. But there was something incredibly empowering about owning and embracing this amazing part of me that gives life. Once I connected to this particular energy, I could connect to my whole body, which meant I could connect to everyone and everything around it. I developed the ability to sense how other people were feeling, which deepened my relationships and made me a much better communicator.
That state where I’m dropped into my body and I’m feeling everyone in the room simply cannot coexist with all of those anxious thoughts I used to have. Instead of worrying about what other people are thinking, I now know what I think and I’m excited to share it. At work, I’ve begun communicating with my clients in a warmer manner and making decisions more confidently.
I used to feel like I was lagging behind in life—like I should have gotten married or been making more money. With each year that passed, I had a sense of impending doom. I felt like a loser. But OM put me in touch with my real desires and I realized they were not a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. I didn’t want to just go through those motions; I want to do things that truly excite me. I realized nothing’s wrong with that because nothing’s wrong with me. Now that I’m following my heart, my loyalty is to myself.
OM has helped me reach all these amazing realizations because it makes me think more positively. Getting used to feeling good during the 15 minutes of an OM gave me the awareness to feel good outside of an OM. I learned how to switch off my self-sabotaging inner monologue. To this day, when I’m in a bad mood, OM gets me out of my head and provides a reset on my day.
It’s not like all my problems have gone away. But now, when I feel anxiety, I recognize it for what it is—a bunch of feelings coming up—rather than taking the negative thoughts at face value. I’m also more compassionate with myself. On bad days, I’ll go running, take naps, or do other things that help me feel better, instead of letting anxious thoughts spiral and make everything worse. Instead of worrying about whether people will like me, I wonder about the impact I’m making on the world.
OM has shown me what I want, taught me how to get it, and led me to finally believe I deserve it.