I was so in my head before Orgasmic Meditation. I just didn’t know how to express myself. It seemed like a lot of people liked me, but I never felt connected to any of them on a deep emotional level. I was just always in my head, figuring out ways to please them.
I had never had a girlfriend and had been on maybe 2 dates in my life. I was always trying to figure out ways to get with girls. Be a nice guy, I’d tell myself. Do whatever you think she wants you to do. My mind was always on sex, on relationships, on figuring out how to get women.
I became addicted to porn. I spent a lot of days alone, even if I wasn’t physically alone. I was so frustrated. I was just stuck in my thoughts. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying to be a nice guy. I’m trying to people-please. I’m sacrificing myself in all these ways, and I’m still so alone.
I would place all these expectations on myself, trying to figure it out. I need to be more attractive, I would think. I need this, I need that. I was into biohacking, and it was at a biohacking conference that I discovered OM. I was immediately drawn in by the attention the people I spoke to seemed capable of giving, and soon I was learning to OM.
My first OM felt like a disaster, I was so embarrassed! I have a tremor in my hand, and when I’m really nervous, like I was, it gets worse. It was a struggle to even find the clitoris, and then keep the clitoral hood back. I was shaking and sweating, and it was just a total mess. I felt like it was one more thing I couldn’t figure out.
But something was there, and I stuck with it. Over time, I had the most amazing realization: I had to stop trying to figure it out. I started noticing that whenever my OMs weren’t what I wanted them to be, it wasn’t because positioning was wrong. It wasn’t because of my tremor. It was because I wasn’t fully engaged in the OM. Eventually, I started to let go of trying to get things right and just notice instead. I’d always felt like I was groping around in the dark, trying to solve some unsolvable problem, and I just stopped groping. When I did, things started to fall into place.
Growing up, I was always what you’d call a “good kid.” A lot of that was tied up in what a great student I was. I spent a lot of time trying to make people like me. At the same time, I was sort of a loud kid. I think it was a self-control thing. So, I was told a lot, all the way through high school and college, that I needed to quiet down. I really quieted myself to try and please people.
I would repress my voice, and then when it would have an opportunity to come out, it would explode out like a fire hose and I'd leave embarrassed and feeling rejected. Now that I’m not so desperate to figure things out, to please people, I can sit within my emotion. I have a capacity to hold the feelings that used to completely overwhelm me. At the end of an amazing OM, I can feel all this incredible sensation, and I’m just able to enjoy it without having to take another step right away.
The goallessness of the practice helped so much. Being able to stay in this high-intensity situation without pursuing a goal. It’s slowed me down. My mind used to always be women: on relationships, on how I can get with them. OM has taught me to be in a woman’s company and have fun, without having to get anywhere.
And guess what? Just being connected naturally developed into something more! I was in the very first relationship of my life recently. I stopped trying so hard, and it just happened. Crazy.
When the relationship ended about a month ago, it was really hard. I was tempted to go back to numb out and go back to porn and my other old habits. But the really crazy thing is that I didn’t want what those habits brought me anymore. I didn’t need it anymore. I knew what I wanted. I wanted real connection. Honest connection. And for the first time ever, I know how to get it.