Living in Full Color
by Catherine

I was raised in a violent home, a one-bedroom apartment with an abusive stepfather. It taught me that I never wanted to be financially or emotionally dependent on anyone—except myself. That meant studying hard and doing whatever it took to succeed and get out of there. I went to college and juggled a full-time job to pay for it.

In my dating life, I had an achievement mindset as well. Everything was a competition and I didn’t want to experience heartbreak because that would mean I had lost. So, I protected my shell and became very guarded. 

Fast forward a few years—I was working 70 hours a week in corporate America. I was in my mid-20s, had a boyfriend, worked out every day and ate an extremely healthy diet. Even with this healthy regimen, my body started failing and I was in pain. I took a lot of Advil to keep from buckling over at my desk. Stoically, I went on this way for a couple of weeks before I saw a doctor. 

It turns out that I had a huge mass in my uterus, about 25 centimeters. My physician was shocked that I had let it go so far without addressing the pain. 

After the first operation, I did everything my doctor said, and more. I reduced my stress level, ate vegan, saw an acupuncturist. I got a health coach and guzzled vitamins. I tried to do all the right things, but I never slowed down or dropped into what was happening in my body. And it wasn’t sustainable.

Over the next five years, I had four surgeries as they found new growths. After each surgery, it would take me 6 to 12 months just to be able to stand up straight from all the scar tissue. After the fourth round I thought, I cannot do it like this anymore, I have to try something else.

A health coach told me that I needed to cultivate my feminine side. I didn't know what that meant, but I looked online and found something called Orgasmic Meditation, which talked about finding a union of the masculine and feminine. I decided to try it to help me balance those aspects of myself. OM helped me slow down and get out of production and competition mindset, and connect with my body and what I was feeling. It gave me the ability to be present, to see nature, and feel into the beauty around me. 

I used to get a real hit from achieving and accomplishing things—it was what made me feel alive. Now, after OMing, it’s about being present and noticing the world around me. It's a new way of living—one that allows me to live in full color.