It All Comes Down to Asking for What You Want
by Bruce

My wife and I weren’t unhappy, but we both knew something wasn’t working.  We had been married for 30 years and were both in our mid-50s.  We were kind to each other, but often distant. We had sex perhaps twice a year, and our emotional intimacy had become almost non-existent.  We needed help.

Part of the issue was that my wife was struggling with increasingly complex health problems that impacted her sex drive.  I didn’t want to be selfish and demand she do things that she didn’t want; I wanted her to want me and I wanted to want her, and I wanted to connect in a way that might help heal her, not make her worse.  I searched online for solutions, and found a talk about OM.  We lived in Utah, and the nearest place to take classes was San Francisco. My wife was reluctant to go, but I assured her we’d make vacation time in the city too.  After a lot of hesitation, she agreed, and we flew out to the West Coast.

We arranged to meet with a coach before we took a workshop or did an actual OM.  That turned out to be very helpful for my wife in particular, as she was able to ask this woman more about her health problems and how OM might help.  That helped make things much easier when it came time for the class and the demonstration. 

I had been with my wife for over 30 years, but there was still something so new about getting into a nest and adjusting pillows a particular way.  The actual first OM itself wasn’t that great, because I felt tense and uncomfortable, but I could tell my wife enjoyed it.  I decided to keep trying, and it became much easier the more we repeated things.

When we met with other people who OMed and heard about the experiences, my wife and I worried that we might not be doing everything right.  We heard people describe all these colors and sensations that we weren’t experiencing.  I’m glad we got reassured fairly quickly that there is no one right reaction after an OM.

What I came to realize is that for us, what mattered wasn’t what colors we saw or what different plane of existence we tapped into.  What mattered was that OM improved our relationship.  We’d known each other over half our lives, and done so many things together, but now we had this way to connect more closely than ever before.  OM took this relationship that had become somewhat stale and revitalized it.  I’d assumed that having sex more often and working through my wife’s physical issues was what was going to help us; OM showed us a different and ultimately better way.

My wife and I ended up separating a few years later.  That doesn’t mean OM was a failure for either of us.  We both got something out of it, and it did improve our relationship, but it couldn’t solve every underlying issue.  Or maybe, to look at it another way, it did solve underlying issues by bringing them to light and helping us realize there were some things we couldn’t fix together.  It wasn’t always an easy divorce, but it was a kinder one than it would have been without the tools we learned in OM.

The biggest thing I’ve gotten from OM isn’t the chance to give someone pleasure. It’s to understand the concept of desire. I am able to express my desires and ask for what I want in a way I couldn’t for so long.  I kept so much bottled up for so long.  Now, when I meet someone new, I ask them what their desires are.  I don’t just ask that of women I’m dating; I ask that of everyone, even in business.  This is about so much more than the physical practice of OM; this applies to absolutely everyone. Sometimes, even after ten years in OM, it hits me that I get to ask for whatever I want, and I just shake my head in gratitude and amazement.   I want to walk up to other people and say, “Hey, you can ask for whatever you want, too!” 

It’s all there for us if we’re willing.