Losing The Need to Perform
by Lorenzo

I grew up in mid-century Spain during a time when the concept of manhood was deeply rooted in stoicism and misogyny. Young boys and men were not encouraged to be emotional or sensually sensitive. My emotions felt totally shut down, seemingly unwelcome in my own culture. Into my teens and early 20s, I contorted myself into lots of shapes to try and fit the picture of what I thought a being “man” was, but it never worked. It was fitting, then, that I took to acrobatics and the circus as a career. I couldn’t overcome the emotional fear of never fitting in, so, instead, I went into headfirst into my physical fears—and won—each day I went to work and lived to talk about it. 

In many ways, my work as an acrobat was an outlet for self-expression that I hadn’t felt as a child. I loved every minute of it, the adrenaline, the escape from my feelings as I was so single-minded on my body's movements. Until I couldn't sustain the high or avoid my emotions anymore. I realized I was lost. 

On my quest to find my way, I stumbled upon videos and information about Orgasmic Meditation. I found the practice intriguing and the stated benefits were what I was looking for, so I signed up to learn. 

Despite being an acrobat and performer, when I came to OM, I was painfully shy, especially in speaking to women. I was in my forties but in many ways felt like it was the first time I was getting to know a woman’s body. The practice itself was so simple that I could see clearly exactly where my attention and focus needed to grow. Feeling this way was new and unusual for me, and in my first OM, I could acknowledge just how lost I had been. 

One of the things I appreciate learning through OM is that it is ok to not know what to do. I had grown up with the pressure of always needing to perform, especially as a man. It felt difficult to be in touch with how I really felt in the moment, and I felt distant from being vulnerable and intimate with others. Without feeling the need to perform, I feel able to relax and be more present with my partner. This dramatically changed my relationship to others. Now when I’m with people, I can be more in the moment, and I find it more enjoyable and easeful. 

The skills that I learned through OM also helped me with my current job as a comedic entertainer. I find that I can better access my genuine joy, and am able to use that joy to connect to other people in a deeper way. Another major lesson I learned through OM is that the intention is to feel, there is nowhere to get to, nothing to make happen. This enabled me to be more present with my audience and practice loving others without conditions. I can remain steady regardless of what comes up for them. I feel more freedom to express myself.