Opening to Communication
by Patrick

My biggest challenge dating used to be lack of communication skills. Plus, I was working quite a lot in the music and entertainment field and always busy. Before I was introduced to Orgasmic Meditation, probably my longest relationship was three years. I've never married.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, always at the mercy of the other, worrying about how they were feeling, what they needed, what they were doing. And yet at the same time I didn’t really know how to effectively communicate my feelings. As a result, I often got burned out. I hit bottom a couple of times with really demanding, overbearing relationships where my girlfriends asked a lot more than I could give. Imagine being nagged to communicate about your feelings when you don't know the words to put to your feelings or that it's even okay to put words to feelings or describe what's happening in your body in the first place. 

I ended up in this frustrating pattern where I’d date somebody for a couple years and then BOOM, there’d be a big argument about feelings and commitment and then it’d be over. For example, one girlfriend, Bettina, said she wanted more, that she had “done her time investing in the relationship,” and what was our future? Where did I see us in one year, five years, ten years? And I just had a blank slate. Sure, I had a daily desire to go through life in relationship with her. But I couldn’t formulate a future and wasn't able to project or envision that. 

I was totally stuck in this immature mindset of not being able to communicate on a higher level and to make that connection. I didn’t even want to be able to communicate because I was terrified of upsetting anyone. I was terrified of angering anyone and of having the deep conversations about life and love and expectations that most women want. I think I was also dealing with worthiness issues, never wanting to rock the boat or express myself, because what if it was received badly? Then I would be shamed. I just wanted relationships to be all groovy with a happy face that I could package up and put a bow on. 

Through OM I’ve come to realize that having frank, direct honesty with a partner can head those angry, frustrated feelings and equally angry conversations off at the pass. I am now capable of finding words to describe my emotions—anger, fear, frustration, disillusionment, whatever I’m experiencing in the moment. I’m free, for the first time, to really think about what it is I’m feeling and put a name to it.

Before OM I had been craving something more, and the idea of healing through connection—which is so much of what OM is about—really excited me. I didn't want to be the typical guy anymore, suffering through a relationship just to have sex once in a while. I wanted to really be open to my woman completely and freely expressing herself. What I didn’t realize was that I would learn how to express myself in the process!

OM was brand new and compelling. Creating the container translated into a safety sort of thing while doing this revolutionary act of unlocking human connection. I truly believed the whole world was going to be changed because of OM because everybody needs better relationships.

The practice was hard for me at first, mainly because I’m not a flexible guy physically, and the arm and hand positions were awkward for me. It was hard to get the right position. I wanted the experience to be great for my partner and didn’t want to be complaining about how uncomfortable I felt. Eventually, I realized that learning to get comfortable was just part of the process, like quieting my own mind. And I discovered that speaking up to my partner, saying I needed to move or change position to ease my back pain, that sort of thing, was totally welcomed. Every time I spoke up, my partner always said something like, “Of course, you can shift!” 

The sharing of frames after each session helped, because in actually talking about feelings and sensations that came up during the OM session, I eventually learned how to put words to the feelings, pain, and frustrations that popped up. After starting OM, I was finally able to name sensations and to talk about feelings, to be frank and direct rather than keeping everything inside. I learned I could communicate with another person and that women really appreciate that level of honesty.

My newfound ability to communicate is really helping me in my current relationship. I now have the ability to remain calm, put words to feelings, and to be present. I can create a container for us to safely have a talk. Before I would have steered clear of having any sort of disagreement with a woman. I would have just been like a deer in the headlights. But now I can walk into an hour’s conversation that’s going to be about some difficult things, like feelings and expectations and shortfalls, and not be so fearful. I’m capable of stating what I need, want, and expect. And that’s a whole new ballgame for me.