Connecting to My Anger
by Samantha Clarin

I’ve been on a long journey of personal development. It began twenty years ago when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I went through a lot of pain, depression and anxiety and I was on medication. I also have a hair trigger with anger. My father was a lovely but very angry man. I remember his massive terrifying outbursts, and sometimes I get so angry that I can’t even feel my body. 

I came to the practice of Orgasmic Meditation totally detached from my body. Even though I am an EFT practitioner, I still struggled with OM at first. I knew I was feeling anger and sadness, but I could still do a lot, even without body awareness. I felt nothing for my first three OMs. Then I experienced a moment during an OM where my body was spasming throughout. I initially thought I was cold because I was so used to not feeling my body, and later realized it was my body not knowing what to do with all the energy moving through it. 

I began to practice relaxing. As soon as I would feel I was tensing my thighs or my legs I would remind myself to relax.  

I focused on this for five months. It was then that I experienced a new sensation in my body. There was a slow build up of warmth in my body. There was no tension. It felt like a wave rolling over me. I had an expansive feeling.

I would experience a fluctuation between relaxed and tense over time. The tension came back and the thinking came back. When it came back, it was hard to feel and things felt flat again. And then with some work on remembering to put my attention on my body, I began to relax again.

I started feeling the electricity again - between my partner's finger and my clitoris. A buzzing, like when the engine is idling and you feel that low-level hum. My experience in my OMs became deeper. Sometimes I now feel as if I’m being touched when I’m not being touched. 

I’ve come to realize that I have trauma, although I don’t believe I suffered any specific event. OM is the only place I feel safe enough to relax and surrender and breathe and feel my body. OM is helping me process that trauma. My self-development quest sorted a lot of issues out, but I believe OM is sorting out the last 10 per cent. I am now off medication.

I believe that I have stored up fifty years of anger, or self-sabotage - let’s call it what it is. I believe that my inflammatory condition has to do with my anger. It’s an anger which, until OM, I had no permission to express. The only safe place to put the anger was to turn it against myself. I am now able to be fully expressive.