I was panicked, angry, and despondent. I had cystitis; I had bladder infection after bladder infection. Nothing I did in terms of hygiene or medication changed it. It had been a problem with every man I’d ever dated. I blamed my boyfriends, but mostly I blamed myself: what kind of person is so broken like this?
After the last breakup, I took nearly a year to research every possible path to healing. I looked at medical solutions but was convinced I needed something more. I knew intuitively this was about more than finding the right antibiotic. I read voraciously. I came across a book that mentioned OM as one of many helpful practices, and something about it stuck with me. The author mentioned that at the center of OM was teaching people to follow their desire no matter what. It hit me that with all my rules and scripts and “shoulds,” may be part of my problem, that I was shutting down those desires – and that might be manifesting in all this physical pain.
I signed up for a course. The moment the introduction began, my body began to vibrate. I was excited and turned on. It felt magical. Part of me almost doesn’t want to say that, because it sounds inauthentic, as though I’m overselling it. But it really happened that way. Before I had my first OM, I knew this was my path. OM didn’t hurt. There were times in my first OMs where I kept waiting for a familiar kind of pain to arrive, and it didn’t. I began to trust the process, and simply be present with the sensation. It was about being able to hold more and more feeling.
What was most incredible to me was the idea of making adjustments. I’d never done anything like that before. Learning to make adjustments in OM, and learning to do it without guilt or worry, radically transformed my life.
OM by itself didn’t make my physical problems go away, but what OM did was help me feel worthy of the healing process. In OM, I get a clear vision of what my life can be, and it gives me the strength and the inspiration to keep working towards that. You’re never going to be healed of anything if you don’t feel worthy of being healed; OM reminds me of my worth.
OM has transformed my life. I’ve come to see that I’m the creator of my own life. What I experience is a mirror of my own beliefs, not just what other people are doing to me. I had no idea how much I was stuck in the role of victim in everything I did. I believed I was a victim of my family, of ex-boyfriends, of my body, and so on. I manifested all of these things and took responsibility for none of it. I blamed everyone else, and was bitter and resentful and alone as a consequence. It was a tremendously important revelation to recognize that I have control. I say what happens to me. No one else is to blame. For me, that’s been the literal definition of “empowerment.” I always wanted control, to be honest – I just never knew how to exercise it. I love having responsibility now; I love exercising power.
Along with healing and responsibility has come a lot of self-acceptance. I had a lot of shame about my body when I came to OM. In this process, what we think of as the most private part of a woman’s body isn’t just revealed – it’s commented on and described. If you can take in that praise and description of your genitals, it will transfer over to everything else. Recently, I saw a photo essay on women’s bellies – and it hit me that we’re not meant to have these hard, flat stomachs. We’re meant to be soft. I didn’t just recognize that intellectually; I felt that acceptance in my core, and I felt it for myself as well as for other women. I wouldn’t have that if it weren’t for OM.