I remember the moment it happened. I was in our bedroom. The door was open and my boyfriend was in the living room playing Dungeons and Dragons. I was just sitting in bed feeling unfulfilled—feeling this desire for something more, longing for something deeper and more meaningful. And I remember being curious why I hadn't had it, why I still felt so unfulfilled and alone.
I had accessed realms of magic through nature and psychedelics. I could feel that there were other portals to explore —gateways to expanded states of awareness. Sitting there, I realized the magic that I knew to be present in life was utterly missing. “I need to have my own bedroom,” I thought. “I need to create my ritual space that contains just my own energy.” It was like watching a series of dominoes fall. One realization after another hit me in a wave as I became clearer and clearer. There were deeper layers to my body and my very divinity than I was accessing. My boyfriend, Jonathan, was a lovely, sweet man, completely unlike my previous relationships that were super emotionally abusive and volatile. But there was more than a little something missing. “I've been compromised and been compromising,” I thought. “And I can’t do it anymore.”
I didn’t know what the future would bring, and it was scary. But as soon as I ended the relationship with Jonathan, I went on a long nature hike. I remember being surrendered and in total prayer. As soon as I turned off the main trail and began following one of the less-traveled paths deeper into the forest, this butterfly appeared in front of me, fluttering up and down in this beautiful spiral. And then she landed right on my head and everything stood still. In that moment, I knew without doubt that Mother Nature was communicating with me, letting me know that She was still there with me. And to not be afraid.
Determined to know what I’d been missing, I began exploring a variety of different healing modalities. Eventually, one of my practitioners mentioned that I might want to learn how to do the practice of Orgasmic Meditation. I'd never heard about it before, but I was open to it.
I went to an OM event and learned the practice. I quickly discovered there are multiple layers and textures to OM. Turns out I had fears around asking for OMs from people I was more attracted to versus less attracted to. And OMing was such an amazing opportunity to really soften into receiving, releasing all my agendas about getting anywhere. It was a huge opportunity for me to get to know my body and really let go of any part of me that thought I needed to perform —to make sounds to let the guy know he was doing a good job, that sort of thing.
I realized that a big part of the magic I was looking for occurs when you release agendas and any attachment to the outcome. I understood that when I have an idea of where I want to go, whether in the OM practice or in life, often it can block me from connection to the unseen forces that can reveal things to me that I never would have imagined.
I learned through OM to receive from a place of pure curiosity. And the sense of wonder and delight that followed this openness showed me there's actually a huge world that exists if you stay present with subtle sensation long enough. I would drop into my OMs and almost forget where I was, entering into a space that was otherworldly, melting into a warm river of weightless, pulsing currents of energy moving through my body. It was like I was in an anti-gravity chamber—a circuit of pulsing energy without the consciousness of “I.” And then the timer would go off, and I would come back and wonder, “Where were we?”
I’ve discovered there is nothing to fear, that I can go into the darkest locations that I could possibly access within myself and be totally safe. No judgment. No agenda. No need to change anything. Just pure presence with what is. And that is magic. That is freedom. That changes everything.