At 22 I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. The symptoms and debilitating flare-ups became so bad that it led to an invasive surgery in college. After that experience, I had constant anxiety because I knew that I could have a severe health crisis at any moment. It even impacted my social life and I isolated to manage my anxiety.
One night, a friend had a birthday party, and I decided to go because I wanted some connection. I remember talking to a woman who had a vibrancy and magnetism about her. I was attracted to her confidence. In the conversation, she casually mentioned a practice called Orgasmic Meditation. My interest was piqued, and I wanted to know more. A week later I went to an OM event.
The event’s host had the same confidence and vibrancy as the woman at the birthday party. She shared some very vulnerable stuff about herself that night — about her connection to women and how she came into her personal power as a result of OM. She felt so confident and alive. I wanted that kind of confidence for myself. I had always wanted to be able to express myself that vulnerably but didn’t know how. I thought perhaps OM would help.
I signed up for a class to learn about OM. I met more women who practiced OM and noticed that they had an incredible ability to articulate their desires. That was something that I had a hard time doing. Although they supported me, it still took me a while to ask for an OM. I was just too timid.
Eventually, I gathered the courage to ask someone I knew who had done the practice. He assured me several times on the way that I could cancel the OM at any point, which I appreciated, because it allowed me to relax a bit.
In that first OM I couldn’t feel a thing in my genitals. Was there something wrong with me? We decided to try a second OM. Still, I felt nothing. I remembered something someone had told me about noticing bodily sensations, wherever they were. So that’s what I did. I noticed a buzzing heat in my arms and softness in my belly. I put my attention there. That helped me stay present during the early phase of my practice, when the sensation in my genitals was faint.
Though I didn’t feel that much in my first OMs, I kept at it; I knew I was healing my body. I would always feel calmer by the end of it as though a pressure in my body was released and I could relax. I continued to OM more regularly, and I had to keep finding my voice to ask for OMs. Each time I asked, I felt like I gained more access to my own self-expression.
I’ve also gotten better at noticing my feelings as they come up in OM. That helped me share my feelings with people in my life. I remember an OM where I felt a heavy sadness in my chest, and during the frames, my stroker shared that he felt sad during the same part of the OM. There was something healing about feeling that level of connection and intimacy with another person.
I feel more vibrant now than I have in years. My body doesn’t feel so inflamed with Crohn’s, and I attribute that to my OM practice. OM has challenged me every day to keep showing up, to heal in connection, and to bring my voice out.