For most of my life, I never spoke about my emotions with anyone, even my closest friends. I believed it was weak to be vulnerable about my feelings. I didn't know how to handle my emotions, so I was always running away from my problems and blaming them on other people. My relationships were full of drama. The victim role was comfortable, as I projected my issues onto my partner and jumped from one relationship to another, finding a new person to play out that cycle with each time.
After a breakup, I decided to learn OM.
At the beginning, OM was just a curiosity, something unusual. I'm like a moth to the flame with things that are a bit different, and I was always interested in sensual expression. I worked in a sex shop in Barcelona before I moved to London. I thought OM was about pleasure and was directed toward women, but that was the extent of my knowledge.
As I watched videos and listened to people talk about the OM concepts, I started buzzing with energy. I realized I wanted to unlearn many things that I had in my head about relationships, connection, and about expressing emotions. I saw that I could adopt a whole new paradigm of how to be a woman in the world.
My first OM felt very strange. It seemed sterile to me, with the gloves and lube, as if I was going to the doctor. I couldn't concentrate at all, and I couldn't feel my body, but I did manage to relax. Afterwards, I was full of energy. I felt calm, and at the same time, there was all this electricity inside of me. I felt so much more alive. The colors were brighter. Out on the street, I heard someone singing and thought, "Oh, this is so beautiful." So I decided to keep OMing.
For a while, I was trying to understand the practice rationally. How did it create electricity or softness or warmth? Why were my mind and body responding so intensely to such a simple technique, just a stroking finger? I kept thinking there was something I was not being told. It took time before I learned to let myself go and just feel and be there. OM is something you begin to understand experientially, not theoretically. As my practice continued, the skepticism melted away and I could receive more. I began accessing more sensations in my body, and feeling more connected to my emotions.
Over the last few years, I've had to take breaks from the OM practice for one reason or another. Each time I went back to it, I thought, "Wow, why did I ever stop doing this? It's so great." When I had a regular practice, I would go to someone's house to OM on my lunch break from work. I told my coworkers I was going to yoga class. I'd come back to the office refreshed and glowing. They'd say, “Oh, you look so happy after yoga.”
Many parts of my life have changed from OMing. In relationships, I understand better what the other person wants and doesn't want. I'm more clear about what I'm willing to put up with and what's not okay with me. I stopped drinking because I discovered I no longer needed alcohol to enjoy myself with people. In the past, I could only be physically intimate with someone if I consumed alcohol ahead of time. OM transformed the way I experience touch because I feel so much more in my body now.
It’s not like my life is perfect now, I still make mistakes, sometimes the same ones over and over again. The key is, I have more of myself now thanks to OMing. I am more in touch with how my body feels, how I’m doing emotionally, I’m even more willing to be vulnerable with other people. I am much happier, I know myself better, and I live a super healthy life.
I still make mistakes in my life and lose my balance, but I get my equilibrium back much faster than I used to. I know myself better, and I have a healthier life.