My world always felt in reaction to everyone else. I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself. I had a lot of body image issues growing up and felt terrified of intimacy. Therapy helped a lot, but my relationships were still superficial and I often felt depressed.
I was looking for a meditation practice online and found the words, “Orgasmic Meditation.” It felt compelling, and the more I learned about it, the more I wanted to try the practice. Despite my enthusiasm, I was scared to pick a partner, fearing rejection. I raised my hand at the introductory OM class and shared how nervous I was, and I got a lot of support for being vulnerable like that. Much to my surprise, someone asked me to OM right then and there and we set up a time to try it.
After that first OM, I didn't fear asking as much. I felt like I had faced a fear and moved through it. I started practicing regularly, and it wasn’t long before it became clear that OM was helping me with my body image and self confidence. I learned, through this practice, that I was good enough. That I could connect with a woman and do this practice, without needing to change anything about myself.
I also got a lot from connecting with other men who OM. I learned many of them had the same insecurities as me. Even ones that seemed confident and successful with women would admit that they were just as scared as I was. It helped to know I wasn't the only one with these fears, and gave me more acceptance for myself.
When I'm stroking in an OM I feel most synced up with my partner. The depth of the connection that I'm able to have has taught me that I am a worthwhile being. I don't have to be different or someone else, I can connect just as I am.
This sense of connection has extended into the rest of my life. I feel other people's emotions a lot more than I used to. It’s as if I can see them better. I can understand what’s on their mind and sense what they want to say but may be holding back. It's like a whole new language of communication opened up for me.
This deeper communication has helped a lot in my current relationship. I can tell when my partner’s words don’t match what her heart or her eyes are telling me. She recently seemed withdrawn and I asked, “What are you afraid of?” She looked at me with astonished relief and recognized she had a fear she hadn’t even been aware of. The quality attention I developed through OM helped me bring that fear into her awareness in a way that felt safe for her to look at.
Because of the confidence I’ve developed through OM, I can be in real connection with others. I have enough self-worth where I don't fear rejection. My relationships feel a lot healthier and more natural. I feel like I have a lot more power over my own life, instead of being reactive to other people. And best of all, I have myself.