The feeling of hiding from attention was something that was imposed on me as a child but later became a habit and tactic to escape from uncomfortable situations, and it in turn, impeded my connection with others.
My last name fell at the end of the alphabet, so I spent many years of my childhood sitting in the back of the classroom, because our classrooms were arranged alphabetically. Sitting at the back of the room made it easy to not pay attention and I found myself often playing games with other students in the back. One time a teacher called on me, and I sat there without saying anything because I didn't know what was happening. In the silence, I wanted to hide.
Hiding became second nature. Wherever I went, I tried to blend in, but sometimes my quietness stood out and made things more awkward. In college, I would be in social settings with others and found myself just waiting for a chance to talk. Everyone would be engaging and I would wait for the moment I could insert myself. When I finally did, the conversation would stop, there would be an awkward pause, then someone would just change the topic. I felt like I didn't belong. I knew that people weren't intentionally excluding me. My personality just didn't seem to let me flow with a group. I wanted to change but I didn't know how.
After college I had a contract job where I sat in a cubicle all day coding software most by myself. I spoke with people to get the work done, but there weren't personal interactions, especially since I wasn't a regular employee of the company. When my contract ended, I found myself alone with no coworkers or friends.
I looked around at MeetUp for events to attend and found a group that talked about Orgasmic Meditation. I didn't know exactly what it was but I was intrigued and decided to attend. When I got to the event, everyone was casually dressed. It wasn't at a bar where people were drinking and trying to hit on each other. They were simply talking about themselves. At the event, I felt free of expectations, as though I could say whatever I wanted and found that I was able to express myself. I later decided to try the OM practice.
In my first OM, I was nervous. I tried to remember the steps and was so worried about doing it right that I didn't feel anything in my body. I kept practicing though because I wanted to get better and I also wanted to have something to talk about at the gatherings. I had heard about the changes that other people experienced and wanted to see it for myself.
I started OMing twice a week, and over time, I started to feel sensations in my body. In one session, I felt something crawling up my spine from the base to my neck, and my body was tingling. I was discovering something in OM that I hadn't experienced anywhere else. It opened me up to continue exploring with other spiritual practices and meditations that could be transformational.
After a period of OMing, I learned to stay steady while emotions washed over me, and was able to focus my attention on being present in an OM. I was able to sense the change of energy in the OM and could feel that some kind of information was being passed from the clitoris to my fingertip. From that bit of change in the sensation, I was able to adjust my stroking accordingly to maintain the resonant stroke. If some slight adjustment didn't work, I would make other adjustments until I reached the place where the connection felt right. Often I knew what to do without asking. Other times, my partner would adjust me a little to the left or right, and that adjustment would make everything flow.
I was surprised by how such a tiny adjustment, even just a millimeter, could make a huge difference in the flow and the connection. It turned out little adjustments could make a big difference. I soon began to translate what I was experiencing in OM into my every day life. For instance, how I stood in a room could change the energy of the room with other people. I became a better observer as I'm now more in tuned with what is happening around me. In conversations with people, I'm able to interpret body postures and subtle facial expressions. When I talk to people I could pick up what they were feeling and adjust my conversation with them to keep the flow going.
Through OM, I became more connected and aware of myself, which had me be able to interact more intimately with others. When I'm alone, I no longer feel lonely. I'm more comfortable with myself and appreciate my solitude. Now, I meditate regularly and am able to pay close attention to the sensations in my body, as I learned to do in OM.