I didn't find out until late in life that I was pretty severely abused as a child by my mother and sexually abused by my grandfather. I wasn't fully aware of this, but I believe because of that I became a really adept empath. I could sit next to somebody and tell you their life story. I could tell you exactly what they were feeling. I could tell you what they're going to say before they said it. But if you asked me what I was feeling I had no idea. I couldn’t name my emotions. I was only aware of feeling either happy or frustrated. There was no anger, there were no nuanced emotions. I don't believe I felt shame, I just felt happy or frustrated
By the time I was getting out of a 15-year marriage to a kind man (we remain good friends to this day) I had hit rock bottom. He didn't cheat on me. There was no abuse. We were just not compatible as husband and wife. I lived in a sexless marriage for about 10 years and would have conversation after conversation with him about needing intimacy, not sex. I would plead with him to just kiss me on the neck or touch me as he walked by or sit next to me on the couch. And the last time we had that talk, he said, “I just don't think I can give you what you're asking for.”
At the end of my marriage, I honestly didn't know whether I wanted to be with men or women. I just knew that I wanted more. I just wasn't sure what that was. At 47 I felt totally undesirable and had no idea who would be interested in me.
I had heard about OMing and I thought, “There's no way I'm ever going to do that.” The thought of lying there with no pants on with my legs spread open and somebody looking at me was beyond the pale. I had never even looked at myself and I didn’t really want to know what was down there. But after much hesitation and much gentle persuasion by an OM coach I had contacted, I decided (reluctantly) to check it out.
The coach explained everything in detail, exactly as it was going to happen. Eventually, I realized that anything that made me feel that uncomfortable was probably something that I needed to move towards instead of away from! I had been so sad for so long I just wanted to say “Yes” to something new that would bring me closer to joy. After all, I was on a mission to see what was right for me and to open myself up and to work on myself.
Frankly, I don't think you can really “get” OM until you do it. And maybe not even the first time. You can watch videos or have it described. But until you're lying in the nest, feeling that connection, you just don't know.
The first time I was so nervous and cold. My feet were freezing. I think all the blood was in my blushing face! I was scared and I was shaking and numb. But when my stroker started touching me, I opened up and realized I was having lots of pleasurable sensations. Which made me feel shameful! Later I realized these feelings came from my upbringing and all the shame I’d pushed away as a kid. But despite my shame, despite my freezing feet, something profound happened in that first OM. I felt anger for the first time and I thought, “This is mine! Nobody gets to judge this!”
After that first OM, I really got into the practice. There's something that you get from OMing. It's just a really beautiful, safe container in which to experience yourself and experience connection. I have no idea how else you could experience that. Looking back, before that first OM it felt like I had been sleepwalking, moving through the world doing what I should do, serving others but never myself. I think that was one of the first big things that I got out of OM. It’s like what they say on the airplane about putting your own oxygen mask on first before you help others. After I started OMing and experiencing pleasure for myself, I exuded joy and light--people could see it. There was a lightness and a light about me, and I felt it all the time.
I think it was a combination of opening and becoming more in touch with myself and with the feminine nature that's my birthright. All my life I had been taught to deny so much that I had kind of veered into being more in my masculine, taking charge, being the analytical ballbuster. With OM I became a softer person, and I really liked it. I realized because I had served and served and served and didn't serve myself, I had to put on that masculine persona to armor myself.
After I started OM, I started to serve myself. I started to take care of myself and realize how beautiful and desirable and special I was and that anybody who chose me or who I chose as a partner would be really fortunate.
I started OMing with a new partner, and my body responded like crazy. I stopped believing that at 47 years old having incredible intimacy in life was not possible. I signed up for online dating and discovered it was fine being a plus size curvy woman. I stopped putting men in a box, thinking they only liked and wanted skinny perfect bodies. I met my current husband who is mad crazy for me and who loves my body and all the rest of me. Even if we're sitting, talking, listening to music, he's massaging my feet, massaging my hands—not because he feels like he has to, but because he loves to touch me.
OM gave me the opportunity to look deeply at things that I hadn't looked at before—things that held me back, things I had been denying, beliefs about myself and general belief systems that weren't really mine. OM is like a mirror you hold up that says, “This is you and look at how beautiful you are. Look at how much you can feel.”