I was in my early 50s when I came to OM. At that time, I’d been in the same corporate job for over half my life. I’d spent 27 years climbing the ladder with one company. I was as stuck in a rut as anyone could be.
I was doing a job that I was good at doing, but hadn’t been challenged by in many years. I liked the company, and they treated me well. My coworkers were great, for the most part, and I enjoyed being around them. The problem was, the work was dull. I was bored, and I could tell that if I stayed where I was, I’d keep being bored for the next 15 years until I retired. I had people to hang out with on the weekends or after work, but we couldn’t talk about deep things. It wasn’t a terrible life by any means, but something was definitely missing, and that sense of lack just kept growing stronger.
I was also single and trying not to beat myself up over it. In my mind, though, I kept returning to past relationship mistakes. It was so difficult for me to get close to people, especially women, as I felt clumsy and unattractive. Beyond superficial chat, I had a very hard time being sociable. Part of my rut wasn’t just at work; I no longer expressed any interest in a woman because I just assumed she wouldn’t be interested. On the rare occasions I did try, it never seemed to go well.
I started looking online for something, anything, that could get me out of this rut. I went to a lot of seminars and workshops, some of which were interesting – most weren’t. One day, I saw “Orgasmic Meditation” advertised on meetup. “Those two words don’t go together,” I thought to myself. I was curious enough to check it out.
The first thing I noticed was that the leaders of the workshop seemed so happy. I’ve spent a lot of my career around salespeople. My bullshit detector is pretty good; I can tell when someone’s faking it and when someone’s genuinely excited about what they’re doing. These leaders seemed honest and genuine, and as they talked, I was interested – but I was also a little disappointed. I was looking for an experience that would be big and obvious, like the universe putting a billboard on the interstate that said, “Kevin, THIS is what you should be doing.” I didn’t feel that with OM, but I was starting to realize that that was an unrealistic expectation. There was clearly something here, even if it wasn’t overwhelming me right away. I stayed.
My old programming told me that I should hang back, as women would not want to OM with me. What I came to see was that this was the opportunity to work through a lot of my old baggage. I couldn’t wait to be chosen the way I had for so long; I couldn’t presume rejection. I had to put myself out there and ask. And yes, sometimes I was turned down – but sometimes they said yes.
My first few OMs were scary. In time, everything began to switch up for me, and the sense of confidence began to come. I remember one time I was stroking, and the clitoris began to pulsate, changing shape beneath my finger, and I could move with it. The more it swelled, the calmer and more relaxed I felt. It wasn’t just that it had become easier to stroke; it was that I felt like I was genuinely connecting. I had never seen this woman before that day, but now I felt a bond with her and I knew intuitively she felt the same. This sense of wellbeing radiated up from my finger and into my chest. This was what I had been waiting so long to feel, and what I’d wanted to feel the moment I walked into that intro workshop. I had been so impatient. I had had to stay and do the work.
You know that feeling when you study hard for an important test, and you’re a little nervous about it? And then you take the exam, and you know with certainty that you’ve aced it? That feeling of relief and happiness when you walk out of the test – that’s how the OMs started to feel for me. I’d never known this kind of confidence before.
It became easier for me to socialize and connect with people. I realized that I wanted to spend time with friends from OM rather than work, as OM people seemed so much less judgmental. We were all practicing for different reasons in one sense, but we all wanted to be accepted and to grow. We had this shared experience that allowed us to get close. I’d never had anything like that before.
I met my wife through OM. One of the things that you learn from OM is how to be very specific about what you want. Sometimes, you’re going to need to express that want with a lot of intensity. I was chatting with this woman, and she told me she wanted someone to yell at. Normally, that would sound insane – who wants to be yelled at? But what she meant was finding someone she could trust enough to be able to handle all of her honesty and intensity. I said “Yes, I’d like that” – and we started to build something together. We’ve been doing this practice together a few years now.
My wife still tells me how impressed she was that I said “yes” to all of her right away. I’m the guy who could handle what others couldn’t. For someone who had once been so timid, that’s a constant reminder of how much I’ve changed.