In my life it had become clear to me that I had a problem with men and relationships. I’d have short flings with men and then get incredibly upset when they didn’t work out. I was carrying this sense of woundedness around from one man to another.
I didn’t realize how close I was to burning out at the time. I was running on a lot of adrenaline and constantly fatigued. I’d come home from my work at an art charity and drink at least half a bottle of wine each night. Self-medication, I suppose. I was functioning but not healthy.
My first time trying Orgasmic Meditation was surprising. I had expected it to be all bells and whistles, but I didn’t feel that much really. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized a change had begun. I would spend hours singing and dancing in my flat where before I had usually been over-working myself. Occasionally, I would spend a whole day crying. I felt quite messy. It felt like I was opening up parts of my nervous system, thawing away trauma, and releasing all the emotions that I had been previously stuffing down.
As I carried on with the practice, I started to feel more. My body felt brighter. My best friends started to notice a change in me. They told me I seem more relaxed. Gradually, the bright vibrant feeling I had been experiencing became how I felt each day, rather than the old adrenalized, stuck-in-my-head, stressed-out way of being.
It’s not that I had a problem feeling things before. I have a degree in Theatre and Drama, and I’ve always been a feeling person. It’s just that my feelings would get stuck, as if there wasn’t enough space around them. I think that’s why I was always stressed and burning out; I had so many feelings, I didn’t know what to do with them all.
The longer I've practiced OM, the more subtle the practice has become. I don't experience big shifts in my body like I did at the beginning. The main thing I feel nowadays is a softening and a loosening in myself. It's as though I used to be a tightly knotted ball of rubber bands. The bands can’t be completely untangled all at once, but it feels like gradually I am creating more space in between them, over time, and can separate them out and create a little more calm and order.
I have experienced a deeper connection between my genitals and my mind and heart. It’s helped to promote a feeling of safety in me, and at the same time I can be intimate with another person. I can speak my mind in real time, which proves to me that there are people who can be with all of me, even when I'm feeling vulnerable and raw. That they won’t leave me if I tell them how I feel.
OM has also gradually changed my relationship with my mum. I can be much softer with her now when she’s complaining. I can see that underneath there’s someone quite hurt. I can stay present in situations that would have triggered me before.
I’m not sure that I’ve been entirely “fixed,” but I have more tools to deal with areas I thought were problematic in my life now. A lot of things have fallen away. I changed my whole career. I dropped unhealthy, codependent relationships, and I feel more intimately connected to the people I spend my time with. I’m good at removing myself from situations that don’t feel good. I’m better able to prioritize my body and feelings. I always thought I had to make things happen with my head, but the trick is actually to stay in flow.