I never used to be able to find relationships that could fulfill my needs. They were all either drama-filled and toxic or boring. Now I can see that a lot of that stemmed from a lack of self-awareness on my part. I was scared of being too aggressive, so I wouldn’t assert myself or advocate for what I wanted. I would cater to other people, get taken advantage of, and end up hurt and angry and bitter. The single life wasn’t much better. Dating felt like a constant game of cat and mouse. The people I was interested in never seemed interested in me, and vice versa.
After another relationship failed, I began researching online, looking for something to bring some positivity into my life. That led me to my first Orgasmic Meditation event. The way the people were interacting at the event was so refreshing to me. They were genuine and curious, and they wanted to get to know one another without any ulterior motives. After that, I signed up for an introductory course. The people there told a lot of personal stories I could relate to about their relationship struggles. I wanted to work through my baggage, particularly in how I related to women. So, I started OMing.
When you’re OMing, your full attention is on your partner. You’re not thinking about how good a job you’re doing or what your partner’s reactions mean about you—at least ideally. You’re just feeling what’s happening in the moment. Nothing is right or wrong. This is also how you have to go into asking for an OM. You can’t make the other person’s response about you. It’s no big deal if they say no. Rejection stopped being traumatic for me as I got used to this.
Eventually, I learned how to apply these attitudes to the rest of my life. By putting my attention on the people around me, rather than my own ego, I stopped taking romantic rejection so personally. I used to always let it get to me when someone didn’t want to date me. I’d even be hurt if I asked a friend to hang out and they didn’t have time. But I hadn’t thought to consider what was happening on the other person’s end.
I’ve had a few relationships since I started OMing, and they’ve all been much healthier than the ones I used to have. They ended on good terms and provided a lot of growth for us both. I think that’s because I’m better able to communicate when I’m having issues in the relationship—and to listen when my partner is. I’m also less likely to jump into a relationship just to fill a hole in my life. I’m more content with myself as I am.
In all my relationships, not just the romantic ones, I’ve learned to say what’s going on for me instead of hiding things that might displease the other person. It turns out, people actually prefer that over being catered to. They want to connect with the real me. There have been so many times I thought someone would be mad at me for asking for something or disagreeing with them, and they’ve actually appreciated it.
The issue before was that, not only did I not communicate how I felt, but I didn’t even know myself. OM helped a lot with that. It required me to tune into the sensations I was feeling in my body, and I started noticing these sensations outside of OMs as well. If I was nervous or anxious, I began to feel my heart rate pick up. When I notice that, I can look around and see if maybe there are other people in the room that seem anxious—maybe I’m picking up on their anxiety. Before, my thought process was more like: I want to get out of this room.
Getting in touch with the emotional part of me that had been shut down for so long gave me the language to communicate my needs to people. I started to trust myself and my intuition. I’d always had gut feelings about people, but people would tell me I was wrong. I started to see, though, that this didn’t necessarily mean my intuition was off. A lot of people just weren’t willing to face the things I told them. I began speaking up when I felt I had something valuable to contribute to a conversation. For instance, I was once in a situation where a guy was mad at someone for not answering his question. I had a feeling the other person didn’t understand the question. I spoke up, and it turned out I was right.
As I’ve learned to trust my gut, I’ve gotten better at doing what it tells me to do rather than what I think I should do. I’ve pulled away from taking on work just to pay the bills or entering relationships where it doesn’t feel like everything is there. I’ve started building a company around something I’m passionate about, and I’m fulfilling my dream of being bicoastal. I’d been scared to take these risks before. But now, I have the sense that it’s in my best interest to pursue my desires, even if I can’t understand why in the moment.
I still have my ups and downs, but instead of dwelling on the downs and turning my bad days into bad weeks, I have faith that I’m on my way to another up. Just like an OM, life has peaks and valleys, and it’s only by moving through the valleys that you can reach the peaks.